Excerpt from Off the Chain Volume 2

I’m going to digress for a bit to share a little something with the brotha’s
who are not in the know. So ladies…just skip down to the next section.
It’s denoted as ***On With The Story***.

Hold on my brotha’s. Let’s give the sista’s a minute to scroll down to
continue with the story.

They all gone now? Good. Okay fella’s now that the ladies have
jumped ahead, I’m going to share with you what graduates of The Mack
Association call the ThreeDayPrincipal. Every woman. Every…woman!

Is only faithful as long as she is happy!

I know what a lot of you are thinking right now. Euftis! Half of them don’t
know what they want or need in order to be happy! Exactly!
The stupid brotha’s are scratching their heads right now because they
don’t understand the problem. Let me break it down for ya. There is a
very simple equation that breaks down what equates to… happy…for a
woman. It’s as follows:

Happy = Getting Whatever She Wants When She Wants It!

The men reading this who do their women wrong or intentionally do
shit to piss them off have probably resigned in their heads if not their
hearts that their women are going to fuck around on them. If ya didn’t
know…ya know now! However, the monogamous, hard working, take care
of home brotha’s are all cringing right now. You’re cringing because you
know that women…being women…at times want shit that is just fucking
unrealistic!

Happy = Getting Whatever She Wants When She Wants It!

When a real man is faced with a woman who makes an unrealistic
demand he is…forced to put his foot down. And how…hard…you put your
foot down…not giving your woman what she wants when she wants it…will
determine how bad she will fuck around on you to get back at you.
Now, on average, a woman will have her MadOn for up to three days
before she cools off or her man makes amends. Depending on how bad
you piss your woman off, in that three day window she will do one of the
following things:

If you make her angry, she will smile affectionately when that flirtatious
co-worker bluntly tells her how good her ass looks in that new suit she‘s
got on. If you make her mad, she will let someone take her to lunch or
dinner as Cocoa allowed me in this story. Heaven forbid if the brotha
who takes her out is smooth. Because if he can finesse her out of the
panties she will give him the pussy. And if you piss her the fuck off! She
will go…looking…for someone to fuck her brains out.
But let’s just say that you are one of the lucky few men out there who
can give his woman everything she wants. You’re…still…fucked! I don’t
know if it’s biorhythms, global warming, lunar eclipses, solar flares, or
temporary planetary alignments. Things can be going smoothly and there
can be nothing that your woman needs or wants and she will … still…
periodically lose her fucking mind for no good reason. Leaving you no
recourse but to…check her ass…hard!
“Okay Euftis! What are some things that I can say to her that will send her out
the door looking for some dick?”
Good question! When you check your woman, if you start a sentence off
with one of the following, your woman…will…fuck someone else to get
back at you.

“It’s gonna be this way ‘cause I said so…”
“I’m the man in this house…”
(Saying nothing. Just ignoring her ass completely as she rants.)
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re…”
“Just do what I tell you…”
“Ho! Didn‘t I…”
“Look bitch…”

Get the picture? Therefore, even in the best of relationships, you’re
woman will fuck up on you at a minimum of 1-3 times a year. Sorry couz!
Now I know that there are still a few DoubtingThomas’s out there. You’re
the ones grudgingly reading my book because you wanna know what
your woman’s reading in the bed, skin all oiled and perfumed up with a
glass of wine in her hand or in a hot bubble bath with scented candles all
around the tub. You’re the one’s debating with your women the veracity
of my stories. (Just…haten’…on Euftis!) Stories like, Horny in the Motor
City. You tell your woman…this shit ain’t true! No woman would let a man
do some shit like this to them!
Hey yo! Did you ever stop to think…why…your woman takes my side in
these debates? Why she is…adamant…that Horny and stories like it are
true? Because she knows…if she was pissed off enough with your
ass…that she would do the same thing that girlfriend did in that
story….who was by the way…pissed off with her man! Hellllllo!
“But Euftis! My woman goes to church three days a week and caries her bible
with her everywhere she goes! She’s saved! She would never do anything like
that to me!”
Yes she would! If you make her mad enough. Even your bible carryin’
PrasiseWarrior will be in the church after hours getting…counseling… from
her pastor, or favorite minister or deacon…whose got the big dick. She’ll be
on her knees up in the pulpit or down in the basement with that flower
print dress on that makes her look so…sanctified. The dress will be hiked
up in the back…the bloomers will be around her ankles…and she will just
be getting the…lining…fucked…out of her pussy! Don’t shake your head!
Yes! Yes! Even you my saved brotha! Do not be fooled!
I know some of you still doubt me. Let’s put it to the test. This is what I
want ya to do (If your woman‘s got a cute face and phat ass!). Start an
argument with her. And at some point in the argument…call her a bitch.
After you call her a bitch…see to it that she runs into me within three days.
Any takers? Thought not…
But don’t be depressed. It’s all good! ‘Cause what’s good for her…is just
as good for you. Here’s what ya do. You know that foine ass married
woman you work with whose pussy you try to sniff every time she walks
by? Or that…sexy…sista at church who has been livin’ with Brotha Eddie
for years and he still won’t commit to putting a ring on her finger.
Ohhhh… and don’t forget the woman who you…just knew…was going to
have all your babies but broke your heart by telling you that you
were…cute…or…nice …but she just couldn’t see herself dating you?
Become those women’s…platonic friend! Position yourself as the person
they go to for advice. Allow them to vent to you. Listen to their little
problems. Become their sounding board. Don’t worry. You don’t have
to say much. Just interject, “okay / yea / damn / say what! / uhhh huh / you’re
funny / you go girl! / you’re bad! / no they didn‘t!”, and the like where
appropriate. They will be happy as hell that they got somebody to listen to them
while they run their damn mouth!
But the key (And I know this will be hard for all you no pussy getting
nigga’s!) is to…never…broach the subject of sex with them. Look good!
Have your SmellGoods on! You can tell them that they look nice or that
they got a nice outfit on. But don’t do anything more than that! You’re goal,
is to become their asexual male friend that they like to talk to. Why?
Because it’s only a matter of time…before they get pissed off…with their man!

Happy = Getting Whatever She Wants When She Wants It!

Got it? So if you’re that special friend…that they come to for advice or to
vent to…when they get pissed off…whose house are they going to want to
visit to discuss the problem? Uhhhhh huh! Yours! And when they ask
you to meet them somewhere to vent or get some…advice…about her man
(And trust me she will!)…then you just take her shit! And she’s gonna give
it to ya! ‘Cause she’s there…to get back…at her man!”
You’re not trying to be a playa by doing this. You’re just…balancing the
scales…for all the times that your woman will get mad at you and fuck
somebody else. If you tend to piss your woman off more than most, then
get more…friends…so you can keep those scales balanced partna.
Now here is another key point if you want to get the pussy again. After
the nut…just go you’re separate ways. Don’t ask for a date or some stupid
shit like that. Remember! She only fucked you…to get back at her man! Just
become her platonic friend again and pretend the shit didn’t happen. If
she mentions the incident…apologize…tell her you’re sorry that it
happened and insist that she never speak on it again! Become her
asexual, platonic friend again. Why? Because it’s only a matter of
time…before she gets pissed off… with her man again!
“But Euftis! You didn’t tell me how to stop my woman from letting some big
dick nigga pile drive her pussy into the floor if I call her a bitch!”
Sorry couz! Even I don’t know everything! But hey…at least I showed you
how to get some complication free pussy! :o) What can I say? It’s an
imperfect world homey…
Now lets get back…

Wait a minute!
You nosey ass heifer‘s!
Didn’t I tell you this was for the men only!
Yea! I know what I said!
I told on all ya’ll!
And you know it’s true!
Get over it!
Lynette…fix your face!
Pumpkin…hush!
Ms. Evil…stop laughing!
Gwen…put the phone down! I don’t wanna here it!

I’ve digressed enough. Now on with the story!