Saturday, November 24, 2007

Big Spankable Asses (excerpt)

Big Spankable Asses

(order the soft cover or ebook edition with the following links)

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Chapter One
"What we really need is a man who knows what the hell he's doing! I am so tired of faking it, not getting any, or turning to Big Tom to catch a thrill! And lately Tom has been eating into my budget, for real. I've bought more batteries than you can shake a stick at."
"Simone girl, please! I don't know about you two, but I think it's all hype anyway," Melinda said in disgust as she sipped her drink.
"What's all hype? Orgasms?" Simone frowned and asked as she paused to take a sip of her drink.
"Orgasms, multiple orgasms, G spot, whatever ... all of it!"
"So says the woman who has never had one," Lilliana piped up and laughed.
"Oh, and you're an expert?" Melinda raised an eyebrow.
"No, but I've had a couple here and there," Lilliana said, sipping her margarita as she sat with her two best friends, Melinda Carlisle and Simone Thomas, in their favorite booth at Hooters, drinking, gossiping and winding down with the rest of the early evening crowd.
"Well, I don't know about you two but I'm no stranger to the ultimate thrill, it's just ... been a while, that's all. And for a chick like me? A toy can only provide so much relief. I need a man. A real man. One that doesn't require batteries," Simone said on a sigh as she sat back in the booth, her eyes restless as she surveyed the crowd.
"Ummm. Yeah, I know what you mean, girl. Since I've returned home, well, actually since I left Marcus two years ago "
"Thank God you saw the light and finally left that loser."
"Simone!" Melinda cautioned.
"What? We all know that jackass was a sorry excuse for a man. No man puts his hands on a woman. Period. End of subject. He was lucky all our girl did was give him a black eye with that vase she bashed over his head when he tried to hit her again. He should be thanking God that when she knocked him out, she didn't lay his ass out to rest! I would have," Simone said grimly. The women were silent for a minute.
"You're back home and we're thankful for that. I missed you, girl. Long distance calls and occasional visits are nothing like having you here at home." Melinda reached over and enveloped Lilliana in a hug.
"Thanks, Mel. It feels good to be home," she said, returning the hug and giving a small half smile.
"I missed you too, Lil. It's kind of like old times, the three of us together again. Remember how you'd sneak out of the house, when your brothers and your mom were asleep?" Simone asked and all three women laughed in memory.
"That was the only time I ever had any fun! If it hadn't been for you two, I don't know what I would have done."
"I tell you what you would have done. Watched your brothers twenty four seven. That's what would have happened," Melinda finished and shook her head. "Girl, I still don't understand why your mother did that to you. You and Glenn are only a year or so apart, aren't you? And the twins weren't that much younger than Glenn."
"She worked late nights sometimes and she was beat. She said she didn't have energy to deal with us, especially the younger ones, after working twelve hour shifts at the factory," Lilliana answered with a shrug.
"Why do you always do that?" Simone asked after a slight pause.
"Do what?"
"Excuse your mom."
"I don't excuse her. It happened and I don't want to dwell on it. It was in the past, it has nothing to do with the present, so can we just not go there tonight? I thought we were talking about men, anyway, not my mama." Lilliana barely refrained from rolling her eyes. She glanced down at her drink and caught the subtle elbow nudge that Melinda gave Simone, and Simone's answering grimace.
"Like I was saying. I am in total agreement with you on the whole it's been a while syndrome!"
Melinda laughed. "I had no idea that lack of sex was a syndrome."
"It is when it's been a while since you had any."
"Hmmm. Especially when it's been a while since you had it put on you right! And the official name for it is PID," Simone returned drolly.
"Pelvic Inflammatory Disease?" Melinda was a nurse and naturally applied a medical term to the acronym.
"Hell no! Pussy In Distress Syndrome," Simone said.
"Okay? Girl!" Lilliana agreed and all three women laughed.
"So what do we do about it?" Melinda asked after they'd stopped.
"Do? What do you mean?"
"Hold on ... let me get the waitress over here." Simone raised her arm to capture the woman's attention.
"Do you think Hooters would hire me?" Lilliana asked out of the blue.
"What in the world? Why do you want to work at Hooters? Don't you like the temp job I set up for you?" Melinda asked Lilliana before she turned to Simone. "I don't think I need another drink, Simone! My head is reeling from the two I've already had!"
"Girl, please. It's Friday night ... what else you got planned?" Simone turned her head. Her long, honey blond, relaxed hair whipped around as she snapped her fingers to try and get the waitress's attention.
"Yes, I do like the job. It's going really well ... I'll have another one, Simone," Lilliana laughed, easily moving back and forth with the conversation. She turned to Melinda. "I was just wondering if they'd hire me. I mean look at these chicks."
They all glanced around at the midriff baring, T shirt wearing waitresses bustling around the bar and grill, big boobs bouncing as they served drinks and food.
"What about them? What are you complaining about? You've got more than enough going on up top. Both of you heffas do. It's my behind they wouldn't hire. All ass and no tits!" Melinda humphed.
"Yeah, I got the boobs, but it's the rest of me they wouldn't dig, girl. Not only do I have the tits, I got the ass, thighs and hips to go along with it," Lilliana argued.
"Well, at least you're evened out. Got a nice small waist. I'd love to have more on top to go along with this butt of mine," Melinda insisted.
"Girl, whatever! I don't know what kind of man you're used to ... oh, wait. That's right!" Simone snapped two fingers together. "You were married to that bougie fool, Edmund. His wannabe ass wouldn't know a real woman if she came up behind him and pimp slapped him! That's why he didn't know what to do with you, Mel. You're a real woman, and once you stopped living in his image he didn't know what to do!"
Lilliana couldn't help smiling at her friends. It felt good to be home with friends who knew and loved her. She'd been back in Chicago for less than a month, yet ...

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

It don't count if…, inc...

I was in a conversation with two friends discussing the character Cocoa, in my book Off the Chain Volume 2. Our conversation revolved around Cocoa's opinion that you could have sex with someone else and technically not be cheating as long as you didn't….have an orgasm. That's right. You can be in a relationship with someone and go out and have intercourse, oral sex…whatever …and as long as you don't cum…you're not cheating.
I rolled on the floor in laughter as my friends (who are female of course) stated that although they didn't agree with Cocoa's rule, they did feel that there were some exceptions to cheating and they rattled them off to me.

It don't count if the person you cheat with lives in a different zip code.
If don't count if the sex ain't good.
It don't count if your boyfriend is out of town.
It don't count if you're out of town.

Amazed with this female mindset, I took the question to my Yahoo group and asked my members if they felt there were some things that…didn't count… in regards to cheating.

Following is what I got back (only the women replied by the way).

It don't count if:
You don't get caught.
He has no skills.
He's your ex.
He doesn't lick it right.
He don't have the motion to rock ocean.
He cums before he even sticks it in.
You don't take off all your clothes.
You can't feel the dick!
You don't cum.
Different area code.
You don't insert body parts (but you can insert anything else ).
You don't kiss.
You just get fingered.
If you live upstairs and he lives downstairs.
They don't make you cum.
If he rushes it.
If he don't pound it good.

My favorite comments are as follows:

It don't count if I don't want it to count!
It don't count the minute he walks out the door!
It don't count if your boyfriend brings a friend and his friend fucks you better!
It Don't count if you knew the person you cheat with before the person you were with...unfinished business ...don't count!

As I stated earlier in this article, only the women replied and you see their answers. This lets me know…that there are a whole lotta women…cheatin'… and then cuddling up next to their lover with no remorse. Because in their mind…what they did…don't count.


Frederick's of Hollywood, Inc...